Turtle, Monk and Pigeon

Andre

March 14, 1974 to Present

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Testimony

My name is Andre Lane and I was born again on February 8, 2009 at the age of 35. I am writing this testimony in the first weeks after conversion. Since I was converted, I learned that I was mercifully selected by God the Father for salvation through Christ Jesus prior to my birth. The Father began to draw me to the Son when I was 30 years, 7 months and 24 days old. I am certain and cognizant of that specific date because that was my age the day I was given a certain bible as a gift from my friend Catherine. On that day, I did not read a single word of Genesis or any other verse or chapter, only the “Presented to” page with the date, but I am certain that was the moment I began to be dragged toward God. In order to describe my experiences related to my conversion event, I feel I must disclose a few of the details of my life prior to that time.

I suppose it is fair to say that I emerged from my pre-teen years with a sense of ‘god-lovingness’ that was the result of being the product of a great home, provided by a loving mother and father, but certainly not any actual awareness of God or His love. The conditions of my home insulated me in many ways from routinely engaging in the overt behaviors that God would clearly find objectionable. Not to suggest by any means that I was a perfect child or any less of a sinner than others, only that I would have been much worse without the external restraint. I clearly offended God routinely. For example, I stole money from my neighbors and family for a period of months when I was eight years old for really no other reason than jealousy of the attention my brother seemed to receive from bad behavior. I harbored hateful and jealous feelings toward my brother and the rest of my family until the very hour of my regeneration. And much more. By 13 years of age, I was enjoying a very comfortable life with my family and I attributed every good fortune I had to God loving me because I was a good person and because I was better than most of the other children. I even felt like God owed me something and that he was repaying me with these earthly comforts and neat things in life because He had made a mistake by allowing my brother to ever mistreat me and my family to ignore my emotional needs for so many years while attending to his behavior problems. I had no thought of returning God’s love or giving anything to God or anyone else; I was owed and it was all about me. Why was I able to achieve all A’s year after year, me! Why was I able to excel at most sports, me of course! As each year passed and my high school years were coming to an end, I noticed that things slowly shifted in my world. I went from feeling as though God loved me, to feeling that God did not care so much about me one way or the other, and to finally feeling that God had abandoned me. I just felt angry and depressed most times and that I deserved better than the life that was being set up for me entering my college years. Years later I remember watching some television show and hearing someone say something to the effect that, “Life used to be really good, with sprinkles of bad mixed in. Now, life seems to be bad with sprinkles of good mixed in.” I thought this way also. Accusing God as having left me, I distinctly recall saying in my mind that I was not going to be doing anything for God any more around the time I was 17. It appears that is when the Lord turned me over more fully to Satan and Satan moved in and my attitudes and behaviors increasingly reflected that reality of slavery to Satan. I was hard-hearted too an extreme, very mean, self-centered, self-righteous and sexually immoral, drunk, parent dishonoring, ungrateful and debauchery hungry. And so I went in my sins for the next 12 years, with some of these sinful traits naturally lessening due to physical maturity and others rising up due to opportunity and accomplishment in the world. I completed undergraduate school in 1997 and graduate school in 2000. Nothing changed internally though these years, I was miserable in all circumstances and all seasons in my life despite obtaining the goals I set out for.

When God began to drag me to Christ at age 30 in 2004, I was seated, helplessly, at the bottom of a deep pit that I had dug with my own sin, stubbornness, and self-confidence. From ages 18 to 30, I spent all my energy and time attempting to figure a way out of this pit. I thought I could create meaning and happiness in my life by pursuing the right degree, finding just the right job, meeting the right woman, building the perfect house, buying the perfect dog and raising the perfect child (who of course I believed would be great because he came from me). The pursuit of these things, in an attempt to claw my way out of this pit, simply made the pit wider and deeper, year after year. At age 30, I had finally reached a depth where sitting there looking up at the opening, I could no longer glimpse even a sliver of light, only shadows of people moving around the opening from time to time, seemingly mocking and ignoring me. I was so far down that anyone at the top could likely no longer even hear my screams for help, if only I had cried out when the pit was not so deep. I could not even fathom conjuring up a plan to climb out of this pit in any longer, if only I had asked for help sooner. Even if I could devise a plan, I had reached a point where I was no longer willing or able to muster up the energy to carry out any plan. I was prepared to succumb to the darkness and allow the pit to become my grave. I welcomed death, begged for it every day, thought of ways to die. I bought a gun because it made me feel like I had a sense of control over my anguish. I never planned to be the agent of my death, but day dreamed about freeway accidents that might give me an escape without the shame of suicide. Only a short time before I reached this lowest point, probably days, Catherine gave me the study bible that I mentioned earlier. She is a friend from graduate school, a professing Christian, who I confided in over the years and who was aware of my struggles. Having totally given up hope, I recall sitting in my bedroom one night and thinking (sarcastically), “Okay God! I give up, please take me!” I meant this quite literally, but by the grace of God, he ignored my pleas for death and instead put in me something that made me think of Catherine and prompted me to pick up the Bible and turn to Chapter 1, Verse 1 of Genesis. On that very first day, I really only casually thumbed through three or four pages of Genesis, re-reading some of the more familiar verses I recalled from the sporadic Sunday school classes as a child and mulling over ideas in my mind about issues of Creationism versus Evolution. This New Living Translation study bible I was given was a paraphrase translation and also contains footnotes, describing what many of the passages meant. I was surprised by these two things and excited that I could maybe learn something new. As a result, I committed to making an effort to read more in the next week or so. Of course my motivation was purely to make my own knowledge grow and little to do with increasing my knowledge of God. Never gave any thought to heaven or hell and had no idea that I needed to be saved from anything. So that night, I engaged in the typical self-centered and selfish ‘prayers’ that marked the way I viewed God throughout the years I dug my pit, “God, please make me feel better, why are you punishing me this way?” or “God, if I could just have more money or be more handsome, I could find a woman and be happy!” or “God, why do you allow my brother to have children when I am such a better person than he is?”

In the midst of all these silly mutterings, I believe I had my first illumination, a small glimpse anyhow but still very distorted by my sin. I realized quite suddenly how ridiculous these ‘prayers’ must have sounded to Him…my asking God for more things in the face of clear evidence of everything I had already been given by Him. In reflection, I now understand how my prayers both served as a source of great insult to God, while at the same time served the purpose of glorifying God’s greatness. First, I was given the great honor, by means of my birth, of having the opportunity to reflect even the smallest amount of God’s full glory. So what do I do? As I grew from infant to adult, I moved further and further from God and closer and closer to sin. I not only became hostile and disobedient toward God, but made requests of Him to provide me more and more earthly things, which when provided would have only been used to cultivate sinful behaviors and further dishonor God. In return, what does God do? In his graciousness, He gave me everything I ever asked for, knowing full well that I would move further away from Him and toward sin. Furthermore, while I reveled in the receipt of these things, I ignored The Word, the greatest gift I could ever ask for or receive. The Word, which instructs men on how to obtain the peace and joy I sought all those years. Such a gift, such graciousness! The mercy and love God showed me in spite of these horrible acts.

So, even with all the intellectual, physical and material gifts I was given by God, I continued to wallow in self-pity, continuing to ask for just one more little thing. When I got it and it did not bring me joy, I would ask for another, and another, convinced that if God would just make me a little smarter or a little faster, I would be able use these skills to create a path to happiness and meaning. Even though I recognized that I should not be asking God for additional “things,” I was so very lost. I convinced myself that the reason God had not been answering my global prayer for a happy life was because “He has given me everything I need to make MYSELF better.” I truly thought that all I simply had to do was use the brain He had given me to get my life back on track without any further help from Him. In other words, stop whining to God and use what he has already given you, plain and simple, right? So I can up with a plan. First, I started taking antidepressant medications, then I learned how to play the saxophone and just continued to make other choices to modify my life. It was this faulty thinking that actually motivated me to read the Bible cover to cover for the first time. I was not looking for how God could save me; in fact I never really heard that term until after I was saved. I was looking for God’s instruction on how to rescue myself. I figured if I studied every word and understood the Bible then maybe, just maybe…I could…? … I could…who knows? I really had no idea, but it was hope for me. I immersed myself in the text in my free time, reading through each book, painfully, slowly, day by day. I tried to understand what I read as best I could at the time, but often failed. I put as much effort into reading and trying to understand the Bible as I did any of the most difficult text books for my one of my graduate school classes. I was quite surprised that I could not comprehend anything. I knew I did not fully comprehend much, but as I read, I became aware of one thing with absolute certainty, I became convinced that I was reading the Word of God. The second thing I came to know for certain is that it was not God who abandoned me, but me who had abandoned God. I doubted nothing that I read in the Bible and I fell in love with God the Father, at least the Father of my imagination. I couldn’t get enough; I wanted to spend every moment getting guidance and comfort from the Father. I begged Him for a covenant between me and Him like He had made with Abraham. It is clear now that the Holy Spirit was motivating me and guiding me in my joy and understanding of the Old Testament writings despite being unregenerate. I cannot fully explain this, but I was lost still without a doubt. As I read, I tried to internalize every law and every rule of the Old Testament. I changed my diet and other behaviors as I read through Leviticus, ignoring days (such as Christmas) not directly mentioned in the Bible, trying desperately to lead a sinless life, pure legalism. It really was the perfect guardian that led me to Christ, though in time. Well, it took me approximately 18 months to read the bible cover to cover and at the end of that time (2006) I was probably a better human than I was before, but I was not regenerate. I falsely believed that I was okay with God because I felt God’s having removed me from the pit meant that I had re-gained His favor and hey! I was reading the bible too right? I mistook God’s undeserving mercy as an indication of salvation. At that time, I really had no concept of salvation. I had heard people speaking of being ‘born again’ Christians or “saved,” but I thought that simply meant a re-commitment to attending church on a regular basis or a desire to more closely copy Christ’s behavior as a man.

During that initial read through of the bible in 2006, I began my reading of the New Testament in great ignorance, but with enthusiasm. I read all of the gospels and, like everything I had read in the Old Testament, believed with 100 percent certainty that every story, every account and every detail of the life, death and resurrection of Jesus was accurate in every way. Apparently, there is a faith or enlightenment that an unregenerate man can possess that will not save and is not a result of being born from above. I was infatuated with God and the idea of being a Christian, but struggled to understand the point when Christians spoke of Jesus Christ! I had rediscovered and a fell in love with “God,” but found it difficult to differentiate between God the Father and God the Son…to me, they were both simply God! I foolishly viewed Jesus as being God in human form, on earth, to die for men, period. I knew and believed that these things had really occurred, but I had no idea what that meant to. It is scary now thinking that I really did believe the bible and that I really did repent of some sin at that time, but that I had no true repentance because I never changed my mind from “Jesus is not my Master” to “Jesus is my Master and Lord.”

For the next few years (2006-2008), I continued reading the bible, reading it cover to cover for a second time, attending bible study at various locations and attending worship services at countless local churches. I visited 2 or 3 church services a week for years all over the city on every day of the week I could find one, trying to find a church that did things the way the Old Testament described how Temple service occurred. Obviously, I never found one and I never stayed more than 20 minutes or so, I was so confused. I did grow in my knowledge of the facts about the bible, but rather slowly. Although I no longer sought death, I really had no answer to my most urgent question: “What is my purpose for being alive?” I struggled with that, but did have a belief that God would reveal that information to me at some point. In the fall of 2008, that time came. Priscilla (not my wife at the time) and I registered for a Basic Doctrine class at a local church in fall of 2008. My sole purpose was revealed in that class: “To reflect the Glory of God.” I understood the words, but how should I act or think in order to do this? I understood the goal, but didn’t understand what “Glory” meant. Did this mean I should scream at the top of my lungs how great God is? Do I go around telling everyone how big and bad God is to pump up his ego? Of course not!! The answer started to be shown to me after being led to re-read portions of Genesis, specifically Genesis 1:26 “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness.” Of course!! God did not put us here to be little gods running around, but to be his image, a reflection, a reflection of God, a reflection of God’s greatness, reflection of God’s Glory!!!! This understanding made me very happy, what a great honor!! But how do I do that? I wanted to be the best reflector I could be, but how? I knew the meager skills I developed in school and work could not reflect the Greatness of God, there had to be more, another way? I toiled in my mind trying to legalistically to achieve this for months, obsessing on God and reading the bible, but I was still missing something…what could it be?

Priscilla had stumbled into Fatty’s by providence and was able to listen to a Sunday school taught by Craig in December of 2009. She reported that her head began to hurt while listening and that she felt like she needed to run out of there. She was saying how she had never heard anything like that before and was suggesting that I go while she continued to attend her old church. She just wanted me to pick a church and stay there so I would not be dragging her to a bunch of Lutheran Saturday night services. I initially declined out of pride because I considered meeting in a burger place to be grungy and also because it was not in the Old Testament. However, I told her I would go to bible study with her at sister Connie’s house. In January of 2009, I attended a bible study by Pastor Tim, which was a very powerful experience for me. I knew immediately when I walked in the house that I was in the company of God’s people, somehow, intuitively. I felt at ease, which had never been the case in my life, I even felt happy to be amongst strangers, which was unheard of for me. I was never the one to seek comfort in groups or develop relationships that might have me reveal my sad, dark past. But I felt like I was among family and felt certain I would receive sound biblical guidance and knowledge. I felt like I was home and I believed every single word that Pastor Tim was saying, which was strange because I trusted no one ever and challenge most things. I really didn’t even hear a word of his teaching that night only left with a sense that what Tim was saying was the truth. I continued to attend the bible study and was able to learn some, but did not fall under conviction or have any sense of the danger I was in. However, after a few weeks Ruby began asking Priscilla and I questions. She asked if we were saved and I really had no answer or idea what she was asking me and timidly replied, “I think I am in the saved camp.” She graciously accepted my response and was kind enough to give me a book by John Piper called Desiring God. It was through reading the first few pages of Chapter 1 that I was able to come to know and love Jesus Christ. Here is the text: “If none of His purposes can be frustrated, then He must be the happiest of all beings.” This idea of God being the happiest being in existence allowed me to conceptualize God in a way I had not been able to prior. It absolutely floored me. This idea forced me to see God for the perfection that He is. It impressed on me this idea that God is not going to be denied, He is not going to be denied his Glory by me or anyone else. All of us will reflect his glory in one way or another. Then it dawned on me that if my reason for existence is to reflect the Glory of God back to God for Gods own enjoyment, then how horrible of a mirror I must be. Look at me!, look at what I have done all these years!, look at what I continue to do right now!! Up until that very moment, I had a very difficult time relating to the testimony of any Christian. Often they spoke of the times before they were saved, which often included over indulgences in sex, drugs, and music. I certainly had my share of sexual immorality and alcohol abuse but because I had success in the world, I viewed their experience with sin as foreign to mine, a greater sin in God’s eyes somehow. With the realization of my own failure (and inability) to fully be a reflection of God’s glory 100 percent of the time, the depravity of everything I had ever done began to sink in more deeply. I realized that I not only failed to reflect God’s Glory, but I was in a sense absorbing and perverting the glory due to God. In effect, I had been sinning against God for every second of every day for years and years. Accounts of others doing drugs at a night club seemed like a lesser sin compared to my own all of a sudden. I was truly horrible, wicked, and despicable, unworthy of everything God had ever given me and really deserving of having it all taken away and much worse. I felt like I had betrayed God and I wondered how He could ever forgive me. I could not stop thinking about this reality. For the next few weeks until I was saved on February 8, 2009, I was saddened and ashamed, not willing to pray to God for forgiveness because I knew I did not deserve mercy. I knew I deserved to go to Hell. At that point I was just going through the motions of going to bible study and Sunday service. I believe I attended Sunday Services at Grace for a two weeks maybe before I was converted. I was actually supposed to attend Priscilla church the day I was converted. Priscilla was late and I never saw her come in and sit down on the other side of the church. Someone was pressuring (in my mind) me to sing, so I text Priscilla and told her that I was going to GCC. As I was sitting there in Fatty’s that day, dead in my sin, Tim was speaking on Romans 10. Out of nowhere, I had a thought enter my mind; forced into my awareness. It had nothing to do with the text of Romans 10, but as it turned out it appears that what is described in that chapter was happening to me. I was a passive listener and faith came; the word caused me to be born again as I sat there, my mind was brought alive by the speaking of a message about Christ even though I was dead and was not able to really hear the specific meaning of the text. The best way that I can describe it is that a small speck of light appeared in the middle of my brain and it continued to grow larger and larger in my mind, filling it. I suddenly began to think about Jesus in general, just the concept of Him, nothing about His person or life. But then more about him, more specifically…the thought crossed my mind that Jesus was the perfect mirror to reflect God’s Glory. My mind felt like it was on fire and as if I was processing and solving the most complex equation, I thought...“If none of His (The Father) purposes can be frustrated, then He (The Father) must be the happiest of all beings.” I thought ...“Maybe Jesus was sent here because God would not be denied His happiness.” I thought… “I cannot reflect God’s Glory, but Jesus could.” As I continued to listen to Tim’s preaching, I began to understand something that I could not understand before. I understood, finally, the distinction between God the Father and God the Son. It all started to make sense!! God the Father sent God the Son to earth to be the perfect, sinless reflection of God’s Glory!!! I began to understand that only through Christ can a man be forgiven of sin and only He can reflect the Greatness and Glory of God fully 100 percent of the time! I began to understand what an absolutely brilliant and amazing gift the Lord had given us, me!, in Christ. Jesus was sent here to accept God’s judgment, His wrath, so that we, I!, would not have to for our failure to reflect His glory. Jesus gave his life so that I may have a path to join my Lord in the Kingdom for EVER!!!! It was at that very moment that I thanked the Lord and asked Jesus to redeem me, to save me. I knew I needed Him, He was precious and I fell in love.

I have no lack of clarity that that moment was the moment of regeneration for me, reforming my heart and my mind in a way that was consistent with God’s love. I often prayed that my brother would die and go to hell, that very moment all I could think was that I had to find my brother because he might die and go to hell! I had not spoken to him in 10 years, but I knew I had to find Him to tell Him of Christ. When I walked outside Fatty’s that day, the world was tangibly different, brighter, not hostile somehow. I called Priscilla from her church and without really knowing it began to share the gospel with her when she arrived. I was making ridiculous statements like “I understand God!,” but that’s how it felt. I was relaying the gospel to her even though I had never been taught the gospel. Somehow I just knew it. At home, work, on the street I felt like people were not my enemy anymore and that I was free to feel love rather than anger toward them. Regeneration caused me to immediately see Him as complete Lord and Master over me. A natural desire to give up everything from my former life was the reality for me. I separated from all friends, hobbies, habits, job interests, music, old goals, clothes and laid aside everything awaiting word from the Master. I felt restricted, joyfully, to only add back the things He wanted me to have. I came very close to quitting my job and selling everything because I wanted to leave the mistake of a life I created behind and have the Lord Jesus construct a new one for me.

Well, as I began to write this testimony in the days following my rebirth, I considered recording some of the many other amazing things I experienced as a result regeneration, but it became apparent as I continued to write that everyday resulted in a new and lengthy entry. Each event adding to the enormity of my understanding of God’s redemptive plan and the treasure that Jesus has become to me. So, I end the beginning of my story here. Thankful.